i just wanna soil my oats bro
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
