Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
