I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
