so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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