If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
