dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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