He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
