It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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