these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
