Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
