I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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