i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
