As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
