Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
smell my finger.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
