Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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