Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
