Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
