i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just found a bag of teeth...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
