i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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