i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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