Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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