I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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