Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
