Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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