Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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