Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
