you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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