nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
