Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
