My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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