I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
