We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
