I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
