I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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