you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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