Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
