i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
