he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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