somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
