Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
