finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She bit a glass in half.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
