I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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