I faked an abortion last night.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
