I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
