What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
