Pappa wants mamma naked
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
