WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
