there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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