if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
