everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
