I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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