I just made out with a guy for $7.
Quick, to the slutcave!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Randomize
