we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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